The Schrute Beet Farm

whore

2010-11-04T09:25:00.003-04:00

I really don't understand why people brag about how much they drink. I was talking to a female at work yesterday and I told her when I go out I like to have a couple drinks and she goes "well then you wouldn't make it out with me!" LOLZ LOLZ ROTFL

This girl is a fucking fat disgusting piece of shit whore who thinks that I'm fucking impressed that she pounds franzia and lies about how hungry she is when she really wants to inject special sauce from mcdonalds into her disgusting hairy arms and shove a fucking dildo up her ass. How much you drink is not impressive, its not cool, its not a fucking turn on. If you like to drink a lot, thats great, guess what? I dont give a fuck. You want to impress me with how much you do something? Play Halo: Reach for 8 hours one day. Then come back and talk to me. In the mean time, by some fucking clothes that dont make your fuck fat rolls hang out. I'm fat, do you see me in abercrombie shirts like these blowjobs at the mall that walk around smelling like cheap cologne and sipping disgusting stupid coffee that nobody knows what the fuck it is and stealing all the women.

What?

2010-11-03T00:07:00.002-04:00

I was driving today and I found myself asking this question:

Do women know how to drive and simply choose to drive poorly or are they just retards?

I got the blog itch back folks. Get ready for the return. Pussy, video games, sports, comics, pussy, tits, more sports, beers, what, I said I drank some beers, what?

What?

Braylon Edwards Line-O-Rama

2010-09-21T12:10:00.017-04:00

Edwards had at least one other option Tuesday morning. The Jets foot the bill for the "PlayerProtect" program, a 24-hour security and driving service that players can utilize free of charge -- "to prevent this situation."

Hey Seth Meyers and Weekend Update! This is what you do for a living. Your jokes on Saturday night should be funnier than these. Feel free to contact us.

Easy ones first.

When the cop handed him back his license and registration, Braylon Edwards dropped it.

The only thing more blacked out than Braylon Edwards were his tinted windows.

Instead of attempting to walk in a straight line, Braylon Edwards "Dougied" back and forth.

Braylon Edwards blew a 1.6 BAC and then the cops added another 1.5 for taunting.

Judging from his beard, Braylon Edwards was most likely drinking cheap wine from a brown paper bag.

Breathalize like a Jet!

Let's go drink a goddamn shot!

The 2008 Cleveland Browns Wide Receivers or an AA meeting? Edwards/Stallworth.

Braylon Edwards couldn’t care less about his driving strug-a-ling.

In Braylon Edward's defense he was only 1/8th as drunk as Namath was on that Monday Night game.

I’m just impressed they didn’t find any gun(s) in the car with him.

Braylon Edwards said to the cop "I'm an athlete, I can do whatever I want." The cop said, "That only works at the University of Michigan."

Cory Lidle had an easier time navigating around New York City than Braylon Edwards did. (too soon?)

Braylon Edwards drank spirits before he drove. Where is Stevie Janowski when you need him?

Rex Ryan's reaction to hearing the news about Braylon Edwards: "Golly gee, gosh darn it to heck."

Mike Westhoff walked a straighter line than Braylon Edwards.

Ines Sainz actually broke this story first. Her head was in Braylon Edward's lap when the police arrived.

How many Jets does it take to legally operate an SUV? At least 2, if one of them is Braylon Edwards.

HBO is planning a Hard Knocks/Oz crossover starring Braylon Edwards.

Braylon Edwards has decided to take his talents to the Block C Holding Cell on 38th street.

Keep the list going and add your own to the comments.

Move Over Sarah Jessica Parker, I'm Running This Town Now

2010-09-15T23:49:00.018-04:00

Greetings! Hopefully this knocks out 15 minutes of your Thursday.

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back (There is absolutely no debate this is a better song than "Breathe, Stretch, Shake")

The summer is over. The leaves are changing and the beets are finally in full bloom. A lot has changed and happened around here in a few short months. I've lost hundreds and hundreds of dollars in several different casinos, had run ins at gentleman's clubs, been lost, ripped off and plenty else.

My fantasy baseball team is coughing on its final breaths after being on life support for an entire spring/summer. I am still pondering what drugs I was on during draft day. They had to be some serious shit. Matsui, Johnny Damon, Todd Helton, Lance Berkman, and Brian Roberts? Did I do my draft going 88 mph in a fucking Dolorean?

I am no longer Director of Transportation (delivery boy) at Frank Anthony's Italian Restaurant and Deli. I now schulb it into New York everyday. Today everything is different. There's no action. I have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food. After I got here I ordered spaghetti with marinara sauce......and I got egg noodles with ketchup. I'm an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.

The city is an interesting place and since I spend my days there now, I can see a lot of my writing being about it. Think of it as Season 2 of a TV show in a new location, a sequel to a movie that has a vacation (I'm looking at you Brady Bunch and SITC) or a TV show that has completely jumped the shark depending on how shitty you think my blogging is.

The first thing I notice when I leave the train/bus station into New York are the people giving out/selling newspapers. These people are crackheads. Period. There is no way any of them have slept in days and even if I REALLY wanted a newspaper, I would have to wash my hands after i turned every page.

Number 2 about the city is that Asian people love cigarettes.

When I did a google search for "Asian Smoking" I got 99.9 percent porn.

My office borders KoreaTown and 9/10ths of the Asian people on the streets are sucking on cancer sticks. Now I'm no mathematician but if there are 1.3 billion Asians in China, 14.9 million Asian Americans, plus millions more miscellaneous Asians on this planet that is a real lot. If each of them smokes a pack a day, and there are roughly 25 cigarettes in a pack, that is somewhere in the ballpark of 32 billion cigarettes a day smoked by Asian people. And lets not forget about that 2 year old that is good for 4 packs a day. Feel free to check my math on that one.

One thing I learned quickly on my daily walk is that seeing eye dogs can recognize red lights and will stop at don't walk signs. It was literally the most amazing thing I've ever seen with my own two, fully functional eyes. Kids in high school don't know how to cross the street and there are random dogs that can. No excuse for any human being to ever get hit by a car again if a German Shepherd can recognize a DO NOT WALK sign.

The big miss from the Death Pool was Rich from LFO dying and no one having him. Apparently know one knew he was sick. I certainly didn't. Everyone was talking about Summer Girls when he died but any true LFO fan knows that was actually their 4th best song behind Every Other Time, Girl on TV, and Westside Story. Outside of Home Simpson, Johnny Knoxville, and Jesus, Rich was probably the biggest influence on my life, so this was particularly devastating.

I was 1 win away from winning my office pool this week but the FUCKING JETS had other plans. The Yankees are getting set for the playoffs. I am ready to bet big on Ricky Stanzi and the Iowa Hawkeyes this weekend. Always Sunny Starts tomorrow. Lots of good things to look forward to.

If Mike Francesa can take off half the summer, so can I.

Welcome to season 3 of the Beet Farm... or is it 4 or 5? I don't know. Comments, telling your friends and Retweets are encouraged. WHO BUT!

Last but not least, after listening to talk radio and reading the newspaper for the past few days I realized there was only one person in the world qualified to talk about Inez Sainz and he goes by the Alias of DateMike69.

Big Stein

2010-07-13T15:18:00.007-04:00

Very tough week for the Yankees. I finally got my first hit in the game and I'm not as happy as I thought I would be. The Death Pool business is a bitter sweet business. George was also the first one of "the favorites" to go which is interesting considering it is mid July.

On behalf of all the die hard Yankee fans out there, I would like to thank George for being so dedicated to winning. Yes, he spends the most money but he would give it all back for a championship. He would literally sleep in a gutter if he knew it would lead to the Yanks winning.

He never cared about making a profit unless that profit could help him win. Many major league owners should take note that spending money makes money and making money leads to winning. (I'm looking at you Pittsburgh Pirates).

He was nuts, he screamed, he yelled, he helped those less fortunate, he usually apologized and his attitude and impatience embodies everything New York sports stand for.

I wouldn't be doing my due diligence as a blogger if I didn't post this so here we go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLAa-kxM8lE

So far the tag-team of Corey Haim and George Steinbrenner (that's a phrase I never thought I'd say) has propelled Greg Peldunas to the top while the Trifecta of Manute Bol, Big Stein, and Senator Byrd has Jeff Devine is a close 2nd. Steve Solano's Stein and Coleman combo has him currently set to win the Bronze Medal.

5 months to go!

Greg Peldunas: 82

Jeff Devine: 81

Steve Solano: 78

Alan Lupinacci: 60

Mike Pritchard: 58
Ameer Elkorany: 42

Son of Dad: 46
Kevin O'Rourke: 28

Scotty Pioli: 26
Patrick McDonald: 26
Mark Peldunas: 21

GR: 20

Tina Winthrop: 20
Dustin Smallheer: 20

Anthony Wdt: 20

Chris Wnekowicz:20

Mike Cortese: 20

Trevor Racioppe: 20

Phil Castaldo: 20

Mike Murphy:20

Matt Passero: 20

Alex Slotkin:20

Nick Carr: 20

Chris Sauer: 9
Bobby Bartow: 9
Ian Merry: 8
Jon Klingert: 1
Julien Gutierrez: 1

You can find everyone's team here.

Sorry about the lack of updates outside of Death Pool scoreboards. My brain is in summer vacation mode. That will change soon.

Bob "Voice of God" Sheppard

2010-07-12T09:53:00.003-04:00

Your attention please, now pitching for Mangenelli: Number 1, Needle Dick, Number 1....Needle Dick.

Bob Sheppard is dead. The Legendary voice of the New York Yankees since 1951 (minus the last 3 years because he was too sick to work.) The sombitch was 99 years old. He announced such players as Mickey Mantle, Joe D, Reggie Jackson etc. I actually was told by one source that Bob Sheppard also did the play by play for such events as The Constitutional Congressional hearings and the first Columbus voyage. That was an age joke.

But what only people from our area really know (in 2010 you can just wikipedia it but I'm talking before then) is that Bob Sheppard also did the Giants games at Giants stadium. I remember being young at a Giants game and being very confused that the "yankee mans voice" was doing the Giants games.

I liked Bob, so I can't really rip on him too hard for being dead. Oh well. Now batting, numba 2, derek jeter, numba 2.

Updated Scoreboard:

Greg Peldunas: 62
Jeff Devine: 61
Alan Lupinacci: 60
Mike Pritchard: 58
Steve Solano: 58

Ameer Elkorany: 42
Son of Dad: 26
Scotty Pioli: 26
Patrick McDonald: 26
Chris Sauer: 9
Bobby Bartow: 9
Kevin O'Rourke: 8
Ian Merry: 8
Jon Klingert: 1
Mark Peldunas: 1
Julien Gutierrez: 1

Mountaineers Suck.

2010-06-28T10:02:00.005-04:00

Senator Byrd is dead. Living proof that KKK members that filibuster Civil Rights and support the Vietnam War can become successful in this country. He was a leader of the democratic party and President pro tempore of the senate which made him 3rd in the line of succession for President behind the VP and speaker of the house. But really, he was in the KKK.

Was he a nice man? No. Did he support civil rights? No. Did he want us out of Vietnam? No. Are we now under watch by federal authorities? Probably.

This motherfucker was in office since 1959. That's too long to be in anything, with the exception of Meg Fox's cunt.

Here's the scoreboard, Jeff Devine is now one point off the leader. Remember folks, you can't murder anyone to get points, its against the rules:

Greg Peldunas: 62
Jeff Devine: 61
Alan Lupinacci: 60
Mike Pritchard: 58
Steve Solano: 58

Ameer Elkorany: 42
Son of Dad: 26
Scotty Pioli: 26
Patrick McDonald: 26
Chris Sauer: 9
Bobby Bartow: 9
Kevin O'Rourke: 8
Ian Merry: 8

Helen Mirren in a bathtub at 64

2010-06-22T14:49:00.005-04:00

These pictures were recently taken for NY magazine, the same magazine that showed Lindsay Lohan neked a couple years ago. Helen is the hottest woman over the age of 60 on earth. She has been naked in a movie in every decade since 1960, and thats fucking hot. Seriously though, what fucking balls on this woman. I think its fucking great, all these 23 year old whores are out dismantling their bodies like modern day Frankensteins with injections up their ass and fucking robots put into their tits and this one is 64 and looking like that.

These fucking balloon lip whores that have fucking hotdog smiles for faces and fucking eyes that would make a mildy retarded clown run for the fucking hills. Most girls look hotter in sweatpants than when they dress up like the riddler for prom with enough makeup so that if the soviet union bombs us their face won't be affected by the blast. Enjoy.

Manute Bol

2010-06-19T21:30:00.003-04:00

The world just couldn't handle a man your size.

Jeff Devine was the only sicko who had this human behemoth. He was in bad shape for a while. I think he fell off his cloud and wasn't able to catch the beanstalk on the way down. Almost into Summer and the scoreboard is starting to take shape. It's amazing that of all the people who have died, not one favorite has kicked it yet.

Scoreboard

Greg Peldunas: 62
Alan Lupinacci: 60
Mike Pritchard: 58
Steve Solano: 58

Jeff Devine: 53
Ameer Elkorany: 34
Son of Dad: 26
Scotty Pioli: 26
Patrick McDonald: 26
Chris Sauer: 9
Bobby Bartow: 9

Remember, you can always check who is on what team by goingHERE or searching Death Pool 2010 Beet Farm into google.

Lost and Greg

2010-06-17T00:26:00.008-04:00

It's no secret that I love Lost. Whether you loved the finale, hated it, or you found yourself feeling satisfied yet incomplete, I loved it.

Along with Larry David, John Swartzwelder, Matt Parker/ Trey Stone and Conan O'Brien, my favorite writer are the guys who made L O S T t: Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof. (Sorry JJ).

It's also no secret that for some inexplicable reason, one of my favorite movies is Armageddon. Actually I had a drunk conversation recently about what my Top 5 Favorite movies of all time are. This is no easy task. Think about it yourself. It's hard.

But, in my drunken haze, I came up with this. And i stand by it. I'm VERY HAPPY WITH IT.

(sorry Home Alone and Waterboy: You are my BCS snubs. It's not fair.)

1.) The Departed

2.) Pulp Fiction

3.)Goodfellas

4.) Armageddon

5.)From Dusk Til Dawn

If you have issue with this list, I have no issue with you. This is MY list and can't think of a person on Earth that would agree. The Departed, in my opinion (outside of Matt Damon's phone NOT being on vibrate) is the perfect movie. Not only is it one of the funniest movies of all time but it also has some of the best symbolism, foreshadowing, character foils, surprises, and direction ever. If I was a high school English teacher I would show The Departed.

Pulp Fiction and Goodfellas speak for themselves. They are masterpieces. If you don't recognize them, you don't deserve to root for USA in the World Cup.

The other 2 do not speak for themselves. At #5 is From Dusk til Dawn and depending on who you ask is one of the coolest or worst movies ever made. Since this movie came out over 10 years ago, I have no problem spoiling it. But this movie is 108 minutes long and for the first 60 or so it is a hardboiled crime drama. Then Salma Hayek does a WAAAAAY too long strip tease and the rest of the movie is about killing vampires. It sounds unimpressive now, but imagine you were that random person just watching that movie. You watched the first hour or so expecting it to be about 2 brothers trying to get to Mexico and then it turns into a grind house B movie. You are definitely pissed off. And the ending is very unpredictable. George Clooney is a bastard but not a fucking bastard. Awesome.

There is literally not enough time for me to talk about Armageddon. It's 5 but in a lot of ways its number one. If I said everything I needed to say about it, it would get boring. Movies are meant to be watched and enjoyed and Armageddon is the most perfect example of that.

If you want a full "GR LOVES ARMAGEDDON POST" comment or ask for it and ye shall receive. Because i could talk about how amazing this movie is beyond the naked eye for hours and hours and hours.

The simple way to put Armageddon is that it is a MOVIE in every sense of the word. There is no fire in space.

So what?

It would be easier to train astronauts to be oil drillers than to train oil drillers to be astronauts.

So what?

There is a love story between 2 of the most BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE EVER. There is a soundtrack with a Number 1 song? There is comic relief. When this movie is on TV I can't change the channel.

As has becoming common in my blog posts, the point of the article is WAAAY down after reading a lot of bull shit. My favorite writer Damon Lindelof recently wrote this article. I nearly jizzed myself when i read it.

Not only does my favorite writer love the same dumb ass movies that I love, but I came up with a similar idea years earlier. This makes me think that I have 1/100000000000 of making it someday.

My co blogger Mike can confirm that a year or so ago I pitched him an idea via Instant Message. I was just fooling around. When Mike received the IM he responded "That was the most retarded thing I've ever heard." Over time, he has changed his mind.

For some ungodly reason, one night I sent Mike and IM. Some of you may have heard this before. The idea was that a few of our favorite movies all took place in the same universe. What if Forrest Gump, Independence Day, and Armageddon all took place in the same universe?

As we all know, Gump invested a lot of his money in a "Fruit Company" sometime in the late 1970's. This was Apple. What if he didn't? Would Davide Levinson have been able to give the alien mothership "a cold"? The answer is no. He uploaded the virus via Apple computer and then was able to disable the alien ships. Without Gump's belief in this new company, we would have been wiped to oblivion.

The aliens attacked on July 2, 1996. The Asteroid was found on July 1, 1998. We have to assume that President Thomas J. Whitmore and Russell Casse both have their own monuments somewhere between the Washington monument and Vietnam Memorial Wall due to their heroic actions in 1996. They are two of the greatest American Heroes of all time....For now.

We all know that Captain Steven Hiller always wanted to be an astronaut but never was accepted. He was rejected time after time. While he was able to fly the alien spaceship to the mothership and detonate the bomb alongside a ton of one liners and cigar smoke, for some reason he wasn't chosen to accompany Harry Stamper's Oil Drilling Team to blow up the asteroid in the movie Armageddon.

This is easily Racism. Hiller is at home with his stripper wife and illegitimate son.

Also, it would be assumed that David Levinson would be called upon by NASA to fix the asteroid problem but for some reason he wasn't. Let's not forget, David was now a citizen. He is happily married to former president Whitmore's PR director and is no longer privy to any classified information. Had he been told of the asteroid coming he would have simply wrote a Linux program that would have have exploded that sucker miles from earth. Not much of a movie.

I could literally writer forever about Armageddon. Why was there a machine gun on the space shuttle? is just one of infinite questions I have about the movie. BUT I LOVE IT.

IF YOU WANT TO TALK ARMAGEDDON...EMAIL OR COMMENT ME

The point is that my favorite writer loves the same dumbass movie I do and I'm very excited about it.

This is a very comment-able article. Tell me why my TOP 5 is horrible.

(I don't know if this was edited correctly. I may or may not have been drinking. Sorry no pictures.)

More Dating Tips

2010-06-15T14:38:00.004-04:00

I always like to give dating tips on the beet farm as often as I can because I've been so successful in the dating world. I tried to make this tasteful, so if you have kids at home feel free to share it with them if you are having trouble talking to them about dating. My goal is to have a family friendly environment here that helps people with their lives.

If you have any questions, feel free to call me and we'll talk about them.

So here it is. My dating tips for the week. Things guys like about girls that most girls don't know about.

Having good taste in music
Ordering a full meal at a restaurant and not being afraid to eat it
Knowing who starts for the Yankees (hell I'll even take the Mets) that night
When you fix your bathing suit or shirt to adjust your tits
When you say cunt, twat, tit, assfuck, dicksuck, cocksuck, cunteater, muff diving, asslicking, cuntlicking, jackhammer, dirty sanchez, cum, jizzum, jizz drinker, double penetration, cum drinker, sperm choker, ball sucker, hooker, or finger blast because its hot thinking about you doing those/having those things
Owning a vibrator/dildo
Accepted money for sex
Having sex in a dumpster or any other form or garbage disposing device
Saying "make sure you get it all the way up my ass"
When I try to give you money after sex out of habit you don't get angry at me
Not calling the police when you come home to me jerking off to Animal Planet
Having a nice smile.
Thats verticle.

I'm the king of the world!

2010-06-14T16:28:00.004-04:00

Do you remember in 1997 when Leonardo DiCaprio was a pretty boy that all the girls loved and it wasn't cool to be a guy and like him but you secretly did because if you didn't like Titanic the first time you saw it you are lying?

That was a run on sentence. Fact is, Leonardo DiCaprio is the best actor to come out of our generation. I think I really started to realize it when I saw Blood Diamond. I recognized how good he was in Catch Me If You Can but didn't think of him on the level I do now. He has also had the advantage of working with some of the best directors EVER in near all of his films in the past decade. Marty, Ridley Scott, Spielberg, etc. He dwarfed a great performance in The Departed by Matt Damon and set the bar for the other big name actors in that near perfect movie.

And now he is doing a summer movie with Chris Nolan. If that doesn't signal to you that not only do people like me think he is the best actor going, but the top people in Hollywood do too.

The fact is, if you want your movie to have a draw guy in it that is also a great actor, you call Leonardo DiCaprio. Johnny Depp isn't HALF the actor DiCaprio is. Any of Depp's roles could have been done by DiCaprio, and a lot of them (John Dillinger) better.

I don't know what made me think of this, maybe because I watched Shutter Island this weekend. I am interested to hear what other people think especially because I respect all the opinions of participants on this blog.

World Cup Post: Reloaded

2010-06-10T15:44:00.012-04:00

Have any of you Farmers read The Divine Comedy or at least the Dante's Inferno part of it? No? That's okay.

Along with my uncanny ability to make sandwiches for high school drop outs, shake off hangovers, and blog in my basement for free; my knowledge of Dante's Inferno is something that my over $100,000 Bowdoin College degree has given me.

While Mike and I would be teetering somewhere between Purgatory and the 5th Circle of Hell, the real bad guys are beyond the 9th. The worst part of Hell is for betrayers and traitors. Judas, Cassius, and Brutus are the ones there. They are being chewed up continuously by each of Satan's mouths for all of eternity.

I am confident that someday Guiseppe Rossi will join them.

There are no soccer balls in the 9th Circle of Hell.

Who is Guiseppe Rossi?

Giuseppe Rossi (born February 1, 1987) is an American-born Italian footballer who plays for Spanish club Villarreal as a second striker. He was born in Teaneck, New Jersey, in the United States. Rossi was born to Italian immigrant parents in Teaneck, New Jersey; his father, Fernando Rossi, coached soccer and taught Italian and Spanish at Clifton High School.^[1] His mother, Cleonilde Rossi, was also a language teacher at Clifton

Guiseppe Rossi is the biggest traitor to the United States of America since Benedict Arnold. You will not find him playing for Team USA on Saturday against England because Giuseppe tried out for the Italian National Team and not Team USA. He didn't make it. Now he will be watching the World Cup on TV like the rest of us.

Let's think about what would happen if this happened in another country: A fantastic Brazilian soccer player decides for one reason or another that he wants to play for England. What would happen to him? It would be an international crisis to keep this guy safe. In all honesty, he would be lucky if he only got deported and was never allowed back in the country.

A more realistic scenario would be that his house would be vandalized and burned down, his family and girlfriend kidnapped by maniac fans and there is a good chance that he himself would be murdered. This WOULD happen. This is nothing against the people of Brazil. It would happen anywhere else in the world. He would be the most hated man in the country. Here in America he is getting a pass because "Americans don't care about soccer."

I may not care about soccer but I care about not being a fucking turncoat. This guy is the living embodiment of the evil of those American's who root for Italy over the USA. If God forbid the United States gets knocked out and you root for Italy as a consolation prize; I can tolerate that but I still don't love it.

Similarly to Guiseppe, this exchange actually took place within the walls of Frank Anthony's Italian Deli and Restaurant between Al (currently 2nd place in the Death Pool and the only person with 2 hits so far) and an Italian American customer. This is not verbatim but I swear on my unborn children, something VERY similar was said.

Custumer: "I'm excited to watch Italy in the World Cup"
Al: "Why Italy?"
Customer: "Because I'm Italian"
Al: "No you're not. You are an American."
Customer: "No. I'm Italian. Italian is my nationality."
Al: "Where were you born?"
Custumer: "Newark"
Al: "So you're American."
Customer: "No but I'm really Italian."
Al: "You were born in the nation of the United States, so by definition your nationality is American. You're Heritage and ancestry is Italian. "
Customer: " ...No....well I just don't agree with that. "

Also I should clarify this is not ripping Italians specifically, it just so happens the examples are Italian. This is a rant against all of those with confused identity about where their loyalty lies.

If Guiseppe wants to play professional soccer in Spain or Italy, God bless him. Those are great leagues and if he wants to play there he has every single right in the world to. But when it's time to represent your country, its time to come home and play for the Red White and Blue. Many hockey players in the NHL have dual citizenship because they spend so much time in the States but when the Olympics roll around they are jacked up to represent Russia or Czech or whoever else it might be.

In my opinion the 3 biggest enemies to the United States of America as of June 10, 2010 are as follows:

1.) Osama Bin Laden

2.) Kim Jong Il

3.)Guiseppe Rossi

One of the few crimes in this country that is still punishable by death is treason. That is pretty black in white. If you sell out the USA, they put you to death. Rossi should be hanged and thrown into a hole with Benedict Arnold's 200 year old corpse.

LET'S GO USA!!!!!

U S A

2010-06-09T23:19:00.007-04:00

I really don't think you want to read a 10 minute blog post about how much GR and I hate people that want Italy to win the world cup. I don't want to speak for GR so I hope he does his own post about how horrible these people are. Let me sum it up for you in several bullet points:

If you want Italy to win the world cup, you have reached cock sucker status
Being "fULl blOOdEd" does not make you Italian, you were born in the United States, you are an American. Just because great grandpapa illegally came into this country (like you criticize the hard working Mexicans that come into this country and do the jobs you dont want to do because your scum bag father hires them for his under the table cash paying workplace) doesn't make you an Italian.
We get it, you grew up in the Bush era and don't like America and think anyone that wants America to succeed is a Republican.
Do you think in fucking Brazil, and the Ivory Coast, and Italy, and the Netherlands there are people with American flags going "I hope my country loses and America wins!"
Jozy Altidore.
Soccer is one of the last things America is the underdog in, and who doesn't want to give a big fuck you to underprivileged countries?

This became longer than I thought it would. USA Soccer baby.

Merry Strasmas

2010-06-08T22:07:00.002-04:00

Must be nice huh? I bet its nice to be Steven Strasburg.

In a game where it was basically impossible to live up to the hype he goes out and performs a stunt like this. Even a well pitched game would have been a disappointment and this guy shows up and throws 99 mph the entire game and K's 14. The place is sold out for like the first time ever. The future of the franchise, all of the fan's hopes and dreams rest on his right arm and he does this. That's insane.

That was one of the most dominating things I've ever seen. I was wide eyed, glued to the tv, smiling, and loving every second of it. Can't wait to see him pitch again. Only a matter of time before a 20 strikeout game if not more. He was pure filth.

I'm pissed I don't have an arm like him.

I'm pissed I don't have money like him.

I'm pissed he is younger than me.

I'm pissed that fucking Phil picked him up to his fantasy team before I did.

I'm pissed he's not on the Yankees. (for at least a few years)

But I'm not gonna hate. I'm gonna appreciate.

Great job Stevey.

Dollar Dollar Bills Ya'll

2010-06-07T20:49:00.008-04:00

By now you have probably noticed the ads all over this blog. On our site I have seen everything from Lost DVD's to Comic Books to Girls Gone Wild to Evony to butt enhancers and God only knows what else.

I just checked out if there is any way we might be getting paid for these ads and here is what I found:

That's right bitches. We are now 26 cents richer than when we started. That's 10 minutes of parking in Point Pleasant and I'd still have a penny left over. Or if I'm feeling really crazy I could buy a gumball. If i really just want to go for it, I could put 1/11 of a gallon of gas in my car.

We are getting closer and closer to earning that first dollar!!!

I don't know what any of the numbers mean on the breakdown but my best guess is that our readers have to click on the ads for us to get paid. We DEFINITELY do not run this website for the money, but it might be cool to see a few bucks come our way.

So I humbly ask to just click on an ad once in a while, if for no other reason than as an experiment to see if that is actually how AdSense works.

PS: I'm curious to see which one of us does the "If you don't root for the USA in the World Cup you should be deported from this country, stripped of citizenship, and called a terrorist for life. And it's also not okay to root for Italy or celebrate Italian victories because your great great grandfather came here from Sicily for a better life" rant first.

Crime is awesome and so am I.

2010-06-06T22:30:00.004-04:00

My favorite new book of the year. It is a shame that it is just a mini. I think if enough people make some noise about it there will be a monthly. Mark Millar is a love him or hate him type. I love Kick-Ass and hated Civil War. Be the judge for yourself. His original slogan for it was going to be "What if Batman was the Joker" but then someone at DC said please dont say that, considering its not even our company publishing the book. Second printings of the first issue are at your LCS, issue two comes out Wednesday.

Twat.

2010-06-05T13:38:00.003-04:00

Massive Cunt

Your movie bombed because you're a cunt.

Who is Armando Galarraga?

2010-06-03T22:04:00.007-04:00

With everyone now sick and tired of hearing about the bad call, the replay implications, and thought there was nothing left to say: I have something to say.

First of all, the bad call was the best thing that could have happened for Armando Galarraga and here's why.

A Perfect Game is an unbelievable achievement with no equivalent in any other sport. Even though some may say it has been cheapened this year with 2 already being thrown, there have only been 20 in over 100 years of baseball its sick. The best thing about Halladay's PG is that it took some of the fire away from that little weasel Dallas Graden and his ugly old grandma.

But what is a Perfect game really? Obviously 27 up and 27 down and a nine 0-3's. But really it's just something awesome that will be talked about and remembered through the history and future of baseball. It doesn't count for two wins. It doesn't matter if the Perfect Game's team scores 1 or 100 runs. Like I said, its just something awesome that people will remember.

So did Galarraga get screwed? No, he got a blessing in disguise.

Let me ask you this: What will go down in history and be remembered more? Doc Halladay throwing a Perfect Game against Florida in May with 150 fans watching? or Galarraga and "The Imperfect Game?"

I love that name by the way. "The Imperfect Game." Anytime a game or play has a simple "The" title, you know it's going to live forever. "The Bug Game," "The Pine Tar Game," "The Fog Game," "The Flip Play," "The Tuck Rule Game," "The Drive," "The Play," "The Catch" and now "The Imperfect Game." This is legendary. I'll remember where I was watching this game forever.

Everyone knows that he threw a perfect game. (Except for Kenny Powers who had this to say via Tweet: " Perfect game? Hardly. You want a perfect game? Strike everyone the fuck out.")

It doesn't matter that it doesn't say it in the official record book. 61 is still the gold standard for home runs in a season even though its not in the record books.

Also, in what is probably the lamest thing I've ever written, it was probably the greatest display of class and sportsmanship I've ever seen. Galarraga was straight class and the Jim Joyce wore it like a man. He didn't hide. (note to Jim: even if he IS safe there, you gotta call him out)

Imagine if Roger Clemens or Randy Johnson was pitching that game. Seriously, imagine it. They would have literally tackled, punched, or maybe even killed Joyce on the field after that call and wouldn't even be able to finish the game because they would be taken in by security. They'd be in jail and badmouthing the umpire and raging on and on and on about how they got screwed. They are children.

Not even Susan Waldman could defend that.

If you are still reading, here is the fun part of this post.

The odds of throwing a perfect game are somewhere around 1 in 19,595. Somewhere in this
world there has to be a bookie who will accept bets for a pitcher throwing a perfect game. Throw down a buck, win 19,595. It's also possible to adjust odds based on pitcher. For instance Galarraga would pay back better than Roy Halladay. I need to know if someone was sick enough to bet this.

Forget about just betting on a Perfect Game being throw in one individual game. What are the odds of any Perfect Game being thrown by anyone in a season? I'm not a mathematician but if there has been roughly 150 years of baseball and 20 perfect games that is a Perfect game every 7.5 years.

You know that if someone was sick enough to bet that a Perfect Game would be thrown this year, you know that he was sick enough to let it ride, hoping for another one to collect a sick payout. This year, when the 2nd one came, he might have collected or figured 'what the hell I'm playing with house money.'

That's the true victim of last night.

GR may be purchasing this shirt come college football season.
Ricky Stanzi and the Iowa Hawkeyes better keep their streak of covering
point spreads in tact because I'm riding them again next year.

The point of all of this is that if there actually was a sick enough fuck out there to be gambling on a perfect game being thrown last night: He is the real victim. He deserves financial restitution. He should get paid. Bury the bookie. I want to meet that man and give him a huge. He got screwed.

Austin Jackson's catch was sick.

I'm going to watch Kobe. Bye.

Just a normal thursday.

2010-06-03T18:41:00.002-04:00

NYKnicks2032 6:40 pm
(6:40:02 PM): do you know how much i would pay to fuck a girl like that
Rangers2889 6:40 pm
(6:40:37 PM): yes i do

Luv my girls.

2010-06-01T18:46:00.010-04:00

There is nothing I love/hate more than hot girls on Facebook. Ironically, all the girls that like this blog are hot, but they aren't Facebook annoying hot. If that makes any sense to you. Facebook annoying hot girls are the ones that "luv their bfffs" and "omg can't wait for mdw this weekend!"

I have not been able to have sexual intercourse with these types of girls for my entire life. Their vagina is The Da Vinci code to my Tom Hanks. They post tit pics, and tight black pants pics, and they kiss girls in pictures and piss me off/arouse me. What really really pisses me off is when they use that stupid fucking cheap ass excuse for photoshop glitter words in their pictures with their best friends. Guess what...EVERYONE KNOWS YOU HATE AND ARE JEALOUS OF YOUR "FRIENDS". YOU CALL THEM WHORES BEHIND THEIR BACKS AND FUCK THEIR BOYFRIENDS. Please for the love of god stop using that stupid fucking writing to talk about how you are friends forever. Its all fucking bullshit and you label yourself as a stuck up whore. To now show you how ridiculous it looks:

Case and point. Advantage, beet farm.

Please please please feel free to submit your own pictures mocking when girls do this stupid shit. I think it would be really funny.

Top 50 Coolest Guys

2010-06-01T15:12:00.013-04:00

GQ is an absolute joke. Let's get that out of the way first. I say that before reading this article, but the article solidifies it.

They did a list of "coolest guys." Full List Here.

Unlike Maxim, doing a list of hottest women, they did coolest guys. This in of itself is just an insult to the magazine. Talking about other men being cool is not cool.

Was it "cool" when George Costanza had a man crush on that "cool" guy Tony who liked wearing his hat backwards and going rock climbing? As Tony would say: Step Off GQ.

Prince Harry tops the list of coolest guys around. How is this possible? That goofy ginger is the coolest guy on Earth? He isn't even heir to the throne. He shouldn't even be on this list until he takes matters into his own hands, goes Shakespeare/Lion King on everyone's ass and ices Prince William to take the throne.

The World's Coolest Guy?

How can anyone possibly justify saying that a younger, redheaded brother is cooler than his older, better looking, non ginger brother? Wait, people do that to me all the time. :-(

2nd on the List is the guy from Twilight whose name is apparently Robert Pattinson. I really don't know what to say about this. I'm really speechless.

Mike so eloquently had this to say on the subject:

Find me one man that thinks Robert Pattison is cool...First of all, Prince William can get ass that Pattinson couldn't even dream of. I'm talking royal ass. I'm talking billion dollar ruler of Persia King Leonidus ass.

After that, its basically a list of people I've never heard of with a few exceptions. Jason Swartzman, the guy from that shitty HBO Bored to Death is apparently cool. Demtri Martin from that shitty Comedy Central show is also on this list. For my money, those two guys are the exact same person.

I honestly can't tell the difference between these two.

Like I said, this list is FULL of people I've never heard of. Apparently not being famous makes you cool because you haven't sold out like all real celebrities. Everyone knows that popular things aren't cool.

Christopher Mintz-Plasse, better known as McLoving is also on this list. He is not cool. He is the kid that should be getting shoved into lockers and getting wedges from the real cool kids. He is a nerd. Not a cool person. That's what this list really is, a list of nerds.

Homer sums up in Spanish how I feel about nerds here:

For those of you who don't habla Espanol, he is saying : "

Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time. Hey pal! Did you get a load of the nerd?

Pardon me?

It might actually be funnier in Spanish.

In conclusion, How the hell do you have a list of cool people that does not include Derek Jeter, Robert Downey Jr, Jack Nicholson, Chad OchoCinco, Sam Jackson, Matt Damon, Jimmy Kimmel, Alex Ovechkin, and on and on and on.

After GQ's list. I don't want to be cool anymore. What do you think?

Pop Quiz Hotshot

2010-05-29T14:32:00.004-04:00

Dennis Hopper is dead. In life, he was not a nice man. He was divorced 5 times, loved drugs, and was hated throughout Hollywood.

He is best known by our generation as the guy from speed with the fucked up hand. By past generations he is known for being in a movie with James Dean, Easy Rider, and this.

I don't know why more people didn't have this motherfucker, he was half past dead for the last 2 years. He was like 80 fucking pounds and looked like he just fucked dudes for meth. Oh well.

Here is your scoreboard including that dead fucking midget retard Gary Coleman:
Greg Peldunas: 62
Alan Lupinacci: 60
Mike Pritchard: 58
Steve Solano: 58
Ameer Elkorany: 34
Son of Dad: 26
Scotty Pioli: 26
Patrick McDonald: 26
Chris Sauer: 9
Bobby Bartow: 9

Remember, you can always check who is on what team by going HERE or searching Death Pool 2010 Beet Farm into google.

Whatchu talkin 'bout?

2010-05-28T16:39:00.004-04:00

RIP

You were too beautiful for this world Gary.

The weather is heating up and so is the Death Pool. People are dropping like flies but surprisingly, none of "the favorites" have kicked it yet. Here is your updated scoreboard:

Greg Peldunas: 62
Mike Pritchard: 58
Steve Solano: 58
Ameer Elkorany: 34
Alan Lupinacci:34
Chris Sauer: 9
Bobby Bartow: 9

Remember, you can always check who is on what team by going HERE or searching Death Pool 2010 Beet Farm into google.

PS: Come on Mischa....

The End

2010-05-23T13:28:00.007-04:00

In the 23rd Psalm in the Hebrew Bible/Old Testament, David describes God as his Shepherd. As the Shepherd, He will protect, provide, and guide us. If we are in danger of a strong enemy, He will protect us; if we are in danger of famine, He will provide us with enough food; He leads us and guides us where we will be safe, where there is abundant life.

Pretty much the biggest day of my life right here. I have butterflies. I am very excited. I am very nervous. The Finale is 2.5 hours long but I wish it was 25 hours long. Here we are on May 5, 2010. It's been a long journey since September 22, 2004 but an amazing one. Everyone say a prayer and hope this thing is as awesome as it should be. I'm getting ready to go roast La-pig-us.

Death Pool 2010 - Ronnie James Dio

2010-05-18T01:07:00.004-04:00

Finally after a long hiatus and a close call with Brett Michaels, more points are scored with the passing of Black Sabbath's Ronnie James Dio. We were all getting antsy so this was a nice little hit.

While this pick seems random, I'll call it a "homework pick" in that Ronnie was very sick and bound to go at anytime so he was a good way to pick up 34 points. I'm also surprised there was little to no media coverage of his death.

Loyal reader Ameer and Frank Anthony's own Al were the 2 that had Dio. Being a huge fan, Al was visibly shaken all day at work repeatedly saying "I can't believe he's gone."

I'm not sure if there is a God or a Heaven
but one thing I'm very sure of: Ronnie James Dio is in Hell.

Add Dio to the list of J.D. Salinger and Corey Haim. Nearing the halfway point of the year/season, here is the current scoreboard:

Greg Peldunas: 62
Ameer Elkorany: 34
Alan Lupinacci:34
Chris Sauer: 9
Bobby Bartow: 9

Mischa Barton will go soon....

Web Comic #2

2010-05-12T23:31:00.003-04:00

The second in a series of web comics drawn by the loyal and brilliant Steve. Mans got some talent. Here it is. Simple, yet sums up my entire existence in life. I hope you guys enjoy. Click on it for a larger picture.

Written by Mike. Drawn by the great Steve.

Thoughts?

L O S T

2010-05-12T01:25:00.008-04:00

(This is an edit to this post but didn't Locke aka Smoke Monster tell someone that he can't let Claire raise the baby because he himself had a crazy mother and Claire was too crazy? I guess the smoke monster is convinced his 'mother' was crazy too. I'm not sure about this but maybe she had the sickness too? Just an idea. Any input?)

I wanted the comic below to be the first post of the day, but I can't sleep.

I didn't like tonight's L O S T. In 6 years, i don't know if I've ever said that. I won't crucify it yet because it could be awesome after watching the next 2 episodes but we don't know. We gotta see. I am just very very upset that Jacob is a pawn who has no idea what is going on. The smoke monster is clearly not pure evil. He even looked like the good guy in this episode and was the first choice to be the keeper of the island. I am so confused and upset.. Jacob was supposed to bring everyone to the island for a purpose, he looked useless last night. I'm very worried. The Smoke monster just wanted to leave. Is that so bad? I'm a shell of a man. I might have lost faith.

3.5 hours to go. LET'S GO! FINISH UP AS THE BEST SHOW OF ALL TIME LIKE YOU DESERVE TO!

check out the comic below..

Beet Farm Web Comic #1

2010-05-11T23:37:00.004-04:00

This might be worth some money someday. All the great comic's #1's are.

written by GR and drawn by the great commenter Steve.

Hopefully there are many more to come.

(Do people get a 20 year old SNL joke?)

Maxim Top 100

2010-05-11T17:25:00.014-04:00

There is no one who likes objectifying women (especially celebrities) more than me. Maxim obviously did their Top 100 yesterday and there is much debate about it. See the list here. Obviously, a lot of people are complaining about Katy Perry being #1 this year but there is waaaay more to discuss than that.

First and foremost, if the Maxim Top 100 was the Stock Market, I'd be a multi-billionaire based purely on Olivia Munn. I was a fan of hers from the beginning. 4 years ago when she started on G4's Attack of the Show, I was in my dorm room every afternoon watching and loving. She is the perfect combination of funny, beautiful, sexy, and most importantly has a unique look. I bought her at the lowest of low and if I wasn't so sure that she will be even higher next year, I would probably sell and collect my fortune. She came in here at #8 and 90% of people still don't know what she does, what Attack of the Show is, or what channle G4 is. I think she is going to be in a Rob Schieder movie coming up. Maybe I should sell at #8.

It's Tuesday so I must mention L O S T and point out the most egregious of all the mistakes in this Top 100 List. So as I mentioned in an earlier post, L O S T is flooded with beautiful women. If the show sucked, which it doesn't, you could almost make the argument to watch the show with the sound off on some nights. Of all the girls on L O S T, you pick Charlotte? Maxim? Really? No, seriously? Really? Are you on drugs? I would love to hear how this is even possibly justified. Because you need at least one ginger on the list? This is fucking retarded.

A few random notes about the list:

I'm a huge Stacy Kiebler fan, but what is she doing now? She isn't in WWE anymore. Muscle Milk commercial with Brady Quinn? I think you should need some social relevance to be on this list.
I'm glad, but surprised Tina Fey isn't on this list. She does nothing for me but I figured she get a nod as she is a very overrated human being.
Kate Beckenstale getting snubbed is a sin against humanity. For my money, she is the biggest milf walking the earth.
No Avril Lavgine?
Former host of Wild on E! and star of the poster that was in every college dorm room, Brooke Burke is not on the list. Like I said before, her decline was faster than David Ortiz's.
Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, and Angelina Jolie slip to #32, #34, #38. Just weird to see that.
I've gone on record saying this many times: Zoe Saldana looks better as a 9 foot tall, scantily clad. blue alien.

As for number 1 being Katy Perry, here's what I think.

I have figured out the key to being number 1 on this list: You have to kiss girls.

Last year, Megan Fox should have been number 1 hands down. S I don't think its even debatable. he realized this and kissed girls in Jennifer's Body put apparently that really sucked. But for some reason last year Maxim got cute with it and picked Olivia Wilde, better known as 13 from house. She plummeted to number 20 this year. I think Maxim realized the error of their ways.

Who was she before she was 13? That crazy bartender from the O.C. that was dyking out with my Death Pool Captain Mischa Barton. Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it. Both kissed girls, both #1's.

Howard Stern said it in Private Parts, "Lesbians=Ratings."

What did you guys and gals think?

EW!!

2010-05-11T15:45:00.002-04:00

This needed to be seen. Thanks to my old pal Sandy for showing it to me. This is the disgusting piece of shit Ke$ha who is helping ruin the music industry and John Travolta. This shocked me. I actually had to look away like it was a decomposing deer on the parkway.

New Format

2010-05-11T12:17:00.000-04:00

Any thoughts? Comments? I'd like to hear what you think. I was tired of looking at the same old thing for the past year. Let me know.

Putting the shield to rest

2010-05-11T11:43:00.004-04:00

There is an explosion of anger on the internets about Captain America's shield in Iron Man 2. I figure at this point spoilers can be spoken of. You had a weekend.

People are going CRAZY on the forums I read. "why is tony stark making the shield", "why is it cracked" etc. Take it easy!! it is obvious that it was supposed to be either a prototype or something made by Howard Stark in years past. It wasn't supposed to be "the" shield that Cap is using in the movie next year.** People need to think about it for a second. (**Note, I could be violently wrong)

Captain America will always be my favorite Marvel character, and at this point I don't see how Marvel will make a horrible Cap movie with their recent direction. Marvel is starting a universe with Thor, Cap, and IM and the biggest shame is that Fox has the rights to Spider-Man and as of right now, spidey won't be a part of that Universe.

Avengers, assemble.

Cell Phone Slut of The Week

2010-05-11T11:31:00.008-04:00

I wonder if this girl thinks that she is hot. Because she is. But she probably has no education, uses guys for money and intended this picture to be for the purposes of getting money from a guy. Another word for girlfriend is hooker. And another word for love is prostitution. Enjoy, folks.

God Bless America. And whatever .CC is.

Sick of Facebook

2010-05-10T10:44:00.004-04:00

I am really sick and tired of Facebook. I know you might find that strange considering how active I am on it, but it is just making me ill to read what people are talking about on it. Do you remember when Facebook told us that even though they are allowing High School kids on it, they were never going to allow them to contact us? What the fuck happened now? While I'm beating off at 3am I don't need to see your fucking Aunt and Uncle and Grandparents on your wall wishing you well. I wanna see drunk tit pics of you from Friday night before you are about to get ass fucked by some juicehead named Giacamo from Cedar Grove.

And what the fuck is wrong with these people that post about their significant others. I don't give a FUCK that he loves you or you love her. These people that post these fucking status updates about how much they love someone should be fucking obliterated from the human race. Anyone that is a fan of this blog that has a girlfriend (or a boyfriend for that matter) doesn't post disgusting love messages about their significant other. Is that a coincidence? No. It is just that you have the common sense to realize that nobody gives a fuck about how good your relationship is. Grow a set of balls and don't try to sell your boyfriend or girlfriend via facebook to everybody like a used car salesmen.

I deleted twitter again in light of the Dallas Braden perfect game. I had just lost 200 at the track and I was thinking about how I'll never live past the age of 25 and I just lost it.

I have not been in a good mood lately. Iron Man 2 was great and I was with a great group but certain variables unrelated to the film ruined it for me. Everywhere I go I have to see some shadow from the past that haunts me like I'm in a fucking horror movie.

We are going down to Atlantic City on Thursday. We refused to go on Friday because that's when people are there to have fun. I'm not there to have fun I'm there to drink heavily in the room then gamble for 6 hours. Somebody please date me.

Saturday Night

2010-05-10T01:35:00.004-04:00

Do you know what the definition of cool is?

It's four 23 year old guys sitting in a basement, getting obliterated on John Daly's (ice tea/lemonade/vodka), playing competitive N64, and listening to 'Stuntin' Like Mufasa" (Lion King/Lil Wayne mash up) on a Saturday night. The other mash up highlight was this gem.

The worst part about this all? It was a collective, conscious decision. It wasn't like it just sort of happened. It was planned. That's what I wanted to do with my Saturday night.

I would also like to take this time to let everyone know that if somehow a bizzare life or death situation arises where I must drive a go-kart while intoxicated, save yourself the time and just put a bullet in your head because I will not reach the intended destination. By taking your life you will probably save many others by keeping me off the road. In the even more unlikely situation that you are near the giant egg in Yoshi Valley and need help, I will swerve off the cliff and die.

If you haven't read it yet, here is a G-Rated Beet Farm post from the other website I write for a bit. It's fairly entertaining and should kill some of your Monday at work at least.

Also, look out for Beet Farm Webcomics coming later this week....

Ocho Cinco de Mayo

2010-05-05T09:22:00.003-04:00

Im sure you will be getting a Lost post from GR later in the day so I will be sure to keep this relatively brief. For my own two cents, RIP Frank Lapidus.

Did you ever have a dream about a female that you havent seen in a while, and then all day and all night at work all you can think about is fucking her? My dream was not even sexual in nature, she was just there, but from some reason you just want to fuck the motherfucking shit out of her all day. Am I abnormal with that? Probably.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. I plan on celebrating it by listening to Julio Inglesias while drinking a Corona and crying in the corner of my room while playing Splinter Cell: Conviction. Another holiday that has a real purpose and is degenerated by the youth in this country that lives their lives at bars and clubs and look for any fucking holiday to get wastie with their bestie WOOT WOOT!! Shut the fuck up. Do any of you whores even know what Memorial Day Weekend is about?

Private Nick Johnson Pyle

2010-05-03T20:10:00.009-04:00

So its not just me right? Is it possible I'm the first person to realize this?

Nick Johnson does look exactly like Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket right? These pictures don't really do it justice. It is most apparent when Nick Johnson has a disgusted look on his face or that dumb mustache.

Also, why does NJ even bother to bring a bat to the plate? He doesn't use it. He either walks or strikes out looking. More like a Designated Looker/Designated Batter than Designated Hitter.

His batting song is Miley Cyrus "Party in the USA." Take that as you will.

They got rid of Matsui because he couldn't play the field anymore. It was sad, but I got it. Why bring in Nick Johnson who can't play the field either? Just to bat 2nd and take a million pitches? It makes no sense.

It's like the Jets dumping a 30 year old Thomas Jones, which is unfortunate but I get it and then they bring in another washed up back in Tomlinson. What am I missing? With the Jets, I guess they could try to sell LdT jerseys but I don't see New Yankee Stadium filled with #36 Johnson jerseys.

Having said all of this, I think Nick Johnson will figure himself out if he doesn't get hurt. I just need an excuse to show that I think he looks like the crazy guy who kills himself in Full Metal Jacket.

PS: Ocho and EA just LIT UP THE STAGE on Dancing. They are serious contenders.

Sean Penn, I Am Sam.

2010-05-03T13:27:00.003-04:00

I was at the diner Sunday morning and on my way in, I saw a retard kid that was about 13 walking out of the place. He had an Indiana Jones hat on, a scarf over his mouth, a backpack on, and a Hawaiian shirt. He was running around the parking lot. I don't think he was full retard, I just think he was somewhere between teenage rebellion and retard.

While I was eating, and thinking about what a fucking jerkoff that kid was, I thought to myself you know what, good for that kid. Who the FUCK am I to say that that kid is weird or a piece of shit? He is out there in the parking lot with his scarf on in 80 degree weather having a good time and smiling. I'm crying over a taylor ham egg and cheese sandwich. I really became envious of the kid because he truly just doesn't give a fuck about society and looking like a jerkoff. Or he was just a full retard.

By the way, the count is 33 days without recieving a text message from a girl. The goal is to make the summer.

Summer 2010

2010-05-02T13:13:00.004-04:00

My friend Jon and I were talking today and he came up with a good idea for a fun little game on the Beet Farm. A lot of the people on this blog can't hook up with girls. It is obvious why. I haven't gotten a text message from a girl in the month of April, 2010. Fact. So what we decided to do is make a game out of it with odds and betting. The game will take place in the summer of 2010 and there will be updated odds based on your situation and communication with girls. For example as Jon said in an AIM conversation:

"like if we go on a date(LOL) the odds can go down because we have a shot"

I will only do this if you guys want me to. If you are willing to participate, PLEASE comment on this. It is all about honesty, and obviously guys with girlfriends (LOL!!) will not be able to participate. I know most of you guys and know you will be honest. So if you want me to set this up let me know. For example, this is how it would look:

Odds of Mike hooking up in Summer 2010 with any female, ever:
250 to 1.

Let us know.

If you can watch this without laughing, you need to be institutionalized

2010-04-29T22:19:00.006-04:00

I would love to write up a big, funny blog about this video but there really isn't much left to be said. It really speaks for itself. Just watch and enjoy. The final line is easily my favorite.

PS: How many lousy ice puns can you squeeze into one friggin movie? I guess you'd have to ask Joel Schumacher.

Old people

2010-04-29T09:13:00.004-04:00

I like to get up violently early on days that I work. It's just something I do. But on days that I don't work, I love getting drunk and sleeping in. Believe me, if I had some form of income that allowed me to sleep late 7 days a week and get drunk every night I would. Doesn't that sound like paradise? Well its real. It's called retired old people. And they fuck it up.

An average hard working retired person has a pension check coming in biweekly, easy access to better drugs then you can get on the street, and 7 days a week of nothing. Now, maybe I will have a different perspective when I'm older but if I could drink all night, take Vicodin all day, and wake up at 11am why the FUCK would I be up at 5am tending to my lawn. The only trips I would make are to the mailbox to get my checks, the booze store to get more booze, and McDonald's. Nowadays you can have your prescription drugs delivered to your house. Think about that. You don't have to leave the comfort of your home to get blasted on pain killers. And now...pot is medically legal in New Jersey!! Are you kidding?!!? I would be smoking 10 pounds a day listening to the Beatles and playing Halo.

So why the fuck are these old people up at 5am? Do they realize the world they are missing with video games and Internet pornography? Youth is not wasted on the young. It is wasted on the old. I have so much respect for old people that sit in dive bars till 2am every night drinking themselves dead. That is the way to go in this life. Not to get up at 5am, work as a crossing guard, yell at kids and cut your lawn with a scissor.

I don't think I am going to live past 30, but if I make it to 65 I'll be legally high as a kite, drunk as a skunk and fat as a fucking house. The way it should be.

Shut the fuck up.

2010-04-29T00:47:00.005-04:00

"I buy Apple products. I'm great" No you're not. You're a 26 year old unemployed jagoff that sits in Starbucks and writes poetry on your Mac while you sip some shitty fucking coffee that nobody's heard of while you tell people about how educated you are even though the best your literature degree has gotten you is a job at an art supply store.

A typical scene of a jerkoff composing poetry on his Apple product

This is not an anti Apple rant. I buy Apple products, use Apple products, and enjoy them. This is a rant at any cock sucker that tries to tell me how great they are and thinks that they are big shit because they buy Apple products. Have you seen these people? I have had Starbucks twice in the last 4 years and both times I wanted to light the place on fire. Also, take the fucking straw out of your coffee. Drink it out of a cup with a saucer underneath it like a human fucking being.

I enjoy Coca-cola more then I do Pepsi. Do I walk around telling people that Coke doesn't get viruses and is more user friendly with better apps and a wider range of programs? No. I drink my soda, go home and talk about how much I hate everybody and want to fuck sluts nationwide. 99.9% of problems in this world are because people can't mind their own business. If I want to use a motherfucking typewriter out of a Dick Tracy movie then let me.

In the mean time, I have a tip for all you people. Your poetry isn't going to get published. Buying organic clothing and telling me I can't say retard wont save the world. Go fuck yourself.

Jam

2010-04-27T23:24:00.003-04:00

I was watching "Casino Night" tonight on TBS. If you haven't seen it, it is when Jim tells Pam that he loves her and she says "I can't." If that show ended right there without him kissing her, it would be the most realistic moment in the history of TV and would have truly turned Jim into the everyman that he once was. But they of course get married and have the dream life. Lovely. This marks the 2nd time in one night that I felt bad for a guy that is much hotter then I am and gets tons of girls. The other was Jake on Dancing With The Stars.

Am I getting soft? Do I actually have a heart? No I don't, I just felt bad because I realized that when I tell a girl I love her in the parking lot of my job in 5 years I am going to have to quit after she calls the police and has a restraining order put on me. Jim gets the girl in the end, I get a website with my picture on it and Mothers Against Drunk Driving protesting outside my house.

We Finally are a .COM and I HATE my Fantasy Baseball Team

2010-04-27T16:35:00.010-04:00

http://www.schrutebeetfarmblog.com/

That's a big fucking deal and long overdue. Maybe the next stop will be getting advertising and actually making some money? I think that's a looong way away but we can keep the dream alive can't we? Nearly 13,000 hits is nothing to sneeze at. Actually, who would want to advertise on this site?

The thing that is making me filled with hate, anger, and rage today: No, not Lost not being on tonight.....it's my fantasy baseball team.

My fantasy baseball team, Batting .3OH!3, is currently pissing me off beyond what I thought possible. Picture Charlie from Always Sunny putting his arms over his head and saying "Now I'm here. I'm past where I thought I could go."

Currently in Batting .3OH!3's starting lineup are Todd Helton, Ichiro Suzuki, and Johnnny Damon with a combined total of 0 home runs. Yes I know this team would be diesel 10 years ago but they FUCKING SUCK in 2010. They stink.

Batting .3OH!3 is not batting .303 at all. They are actually batting .270. There is zero run production and I'm ready to clean house. I'm embarrassed to be their manager. Give me the Somerset Patriots over this team. I AM SOOOO FRUSTRATED!!!!

On a completely unrelated note,

Mike alluded to the last movie date he went on was the Legend of Bagger Vance. How amazingly random is that? What a forgettable movie. Mr. Unforgivable would not be happy about that.

I was curious to see what you Beet Farmers' last movie date was. Mine was Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story which I'm damn proud of because no one saw that amazing movie in theaters.

What's the last movie you took a girl to see?

PS: This was just purchased.

TitBook

2010-04-27T09:51:00.004-04:00

Just some random thoughts on the living breathing entity that is Facebook, and the things that people do to ruin it.

I am really getting tired of these fucking Facebook photo albums of 170 pictures of you and your friends. Listen, NOBODY GIVES A FUCK THAT YOU ARE GETTING "WASTIE". If you want to post your fucking 800 pictures, go right ahead, but do us a favor and make a "best of" album that includes the tit, ass, and camel toe pictures. Oh, also throw in the ones of you sitting on the toilet. When I am alone in my room at 5am on a Friday night, drunk, with the PS3 paused, crying, listening to Michelle Branch I also don't need to see you in a picture with your father, grandparents, or in a fucking jacket. If you wanna throw your mother in there every now and then that's fine, just make sure her tits are visible in some form of tight shirt.

In terms of what you are writing on your "besties" wall, here are a few ideas to bounce around in your head before making that post. Don't post "I had a great time getting drunkie with you wastie bestie lovveeees you XOXO". You know why? Because everybody on fucking earth knows you hate that bitch, will stab her in the back faster then Brutus on Caesar, and resent her for taking your man. So quit the fucking act that you think you need to present on Facebook. You are most likely just brought around out of pity anyway and to make them look better. Get over it. Life sucks, go buy an Xbox.

And finally, (for now) please don't insult me by posting that you are "sUcH a NeRd" for going to see Twilight. When you've played Final Fantasy till 4am and had to stop playing because your back hurt from how fat you are but decided to watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica before you went to sleep, then come back and talk to me.

I make them good girls go bad.

2010-04-26T13:38:00.003-04:00

I was thinking yesterday that the last time I went on a movie date with a female it was to go see The Legend of Bagger Vance. It was so long ago that there was actually a teaser trailer for The Fellowship of the Ring. Now believe me, I understand that my present state of affairs is my fault. I have no class, I'm visually disgusting and I hate everybody. I also fall in love with any girl that says hello to me or smiles at me. But I just don't understand it for my friends sake why the females love of the juice heads that wear Ed Handy t-shirts and have their GED.

I really am now speaking on behalf of my contemporaries because I gave up a long time ago. In middle school they told us to wait till High School to meet girls. In high school they told us college and in college they told us the work place. Any girl that goes "you are only 23! you have your whole life ahead of you...why do you need to settle down now?!?!" is a fucking bimbo. She probably has 15 guys text her every night while I haven't gotten a text message in a month from a female.

I have so many friends that I would consider good guys and they are just getting passed aside for juice heads. Is it the area of the country we are in? Is it an image thing? I just don't get it. Everyone always says "just wait till girls get older and they go for the good guys". Well the clock is ticking, and its approaching midnight.

My friends have money and they have class. Most importantly, they know how to treat women. I don't understand then why whenever I go to a bar or anywhere, I always see girls with the biggest jerkoffs in the place. My only thought is that the Ed Handy guys are like the male version of black exercise pants for us. That is the only thing I've come up with. It's really sad what is happening in this world. People wonder why the divorce rate is so high, its because jerkoffs are marrying jerkoffs and breeding. They should all be fucking exterminated from this earth like a virus.

The best website on the internet.

2010-04-25T18:57:00.005-04:00

Ok, lets me honest. In 2010, what is more exciting then getting a tit pic sent to you by a girl on your cellphone? Almost nothing. In fact, many would agree with me that getting a tit pic is one of the most exciting non-contact sexual acts imaginable. You are sitting there, looking at your phone and then all of a sudden you see that little picture message come up and then bang, its a girls tits. Its real, its voyeuristic and its taboo. It's also fantastic.

So somewhere, some genius decided, lets create a website where guys (and girls) can post these pictures on the internet for everyone to see. That website is here. Thanks to SonOfDad, I have attempted to spread this website to as many friends as I possibly can. It is literally, tit pics that girls take of themselves and either post on Facebook or send to their boyfriends.

Tired of searching around on Facebook albums looking for that 1 picture out of 70 that has some good cleveage? Well your search is over. This website collects them for you and will save you hours of precious Facebook predator time. The kid that created this website should be in the space program.

Earth Day??

2010-04-22T09:29:00.003-04:00

Earth Day? Earthy Day? Are you serious?

What the fuck is Earth Day? I swear to Christ, if I hear one more tree hugging faggot talk about how we need to save our planet for "our children and their children" I'm going to kill them. Let me explain something to you. I'm not going to have fucking children. Why? Because I kill my motherfucking whores when I'm done with them. My goal IS to destroy the earth for your children because guess what, nobody gives a shit about them and they probably are going to grow up and suck cock and eat granola.

If I have to stay on this miserable piece of shit with you people then my mission is going to be to destroy for you as much as I possibly can. That's why, from this day forward, I plan to only do the most harmful things possible to the environment. If I have the opportunity to fly into outer space and light the motherfucking ozone layer on fire, believe me, I would.

The only thing that we should be using organic clothing for is dipping it in gasoline and then shoving it down the persons throat that will only buy organic clothing. Then light a match and throw it at their disgusting face. Fuck you all.

Dancing with the Stars Live Conversation

2010-04-21T16:52:00.007-04:00

I really don't know if this will be readable or even enjoyable but my IM box was left open last night and I thought it was pretty funny to see two heterosexual men having a serious conversation about Dancing with the Stars via instant message. In the nearly inconceivable chance you don't know: Mike is NYKnicks and GR is todahouse.

Hope you enjoy.

NYKnicks2032 (8:01:22 PM): If kate gosselin isnt voted off dancing with the stars tomorrow night then I blow up a hospital.

(Gosselin is one of the lowest 2 vote getters)

todahouse19 (8:02:34 PM): LETS GO AMERICA!

NYKnicks2032 (8:02:36 PM): i just fist pumped

NYKnicks2032 (8:02:39 PM): that made me LOL

NYKnicks2032 (8:02:40 PM): LOL

NYKnicks2032 (8:02:41 PM): LOL

todahouse19 (8:03:04 PM): is it just me or has brooke burke took a david ortiz like fall from prime ?

NYKnicks2032 (8:03:28 PM): i made that comment to my mother

NYKnicks2032 (8:03:32 PM): she was that girl on that poster

NYKnicks2032 (8:03:35 PM): i had it in my room

todahouse19 (8:04:16 PM): and also, i thought that EA was really good, but that dance and song is so much fun, its nearly impossible to not be enjoyed while watching

NYKnicks2032 (8:04:43 PM): if niecy isnt dancing for a dead black man she doesnt do well

todahouse19 (8:05:05 PM): why don't they just let chad do a riverdance? are they saving that for the finals?

NYKnicks2032 (8:05:36 PM): honestly i feel like he thought that because he could *jive* dance in the endzone he would be great at this

NYKnicks2032 (8:05:40 PM): thats not even a joke either

todahouse19 (8:06:20 PM): well we are also talking about the guy who raced a thoroughbred racehorse and wanted to challenge the NBA allsteam team with a team of football players

todahouse19 (8:06:24 PM): and ligitmately thought he could win both

NYKnicks2032 (8:06:51 PM): i lold again because i remember the racehorse

NYKnicks2032 (8:06:55 PM): dont forget michael phelps

todahouse19 (8:07:14 PM): thats very true....i wonder if he thinks he can play golf becuase he putted with a pilon

NYKnicks2032 (8:08:16 PM): i almost bought my mother one of his tshirts that he sells on his website as a joke

todahouse19 (8:08:34 PM): are you watching? did her tit just fall out and she re-adjusted all in rhythm?

NYKnicks2032 (8:08:51 PM): i am watching, did it fall out??

NYKnicks2032 (8:08:57 PM): i need to rewind

todahouse19 (8:09:20 PM): tell me, i thought i saw a desperation hand fix

NYKnicks2032 (8:09:44 PM): it did. multiple times

NYKnicks2032 (8:09:50 PM): like 3 or 4 adjustments

todahouse19 (8:09:58 PM): i didn't think my eyes were betraying me

NYKnicks2032 (8:10:49 PM): niecy is going tonight

NYKnicks2032 (8:10:53 PM): kate will survive

todahouse19 (8:11:19 PM): i say it every week: i want to meet the people who are voting for her

todahouse19 (8:11:32 PM): but by the same token, who the fuck is voting for niecy nash?

NYKnicks2032 (8:11:53 PM): i honestly dont know

todahouse19 (8:12:13 PM): i'm also sick of niecey saying that she is shaking and showing off what her mama gave her...you are fat, get over it.

NYKnicks2032 (8:12:36 PM): every week we go over that shes fat and has 26 dead black relatives

todahouse19 (8:13:14 PM): what round do you think she is gonna get picked in on thursday night?

NYKnicks2032 (8:13:34 PM): well done

NYKnicks2032 (8:13:38 PM): im glad its primetime

NYKnicks2032 (8:13:59 PM): thursday is a relatively weak night for tv too

todahouse19 (8:14:30 PM): i just pray they dont show the players getting the phone call before drafted...that killed it for me...i need the suspense of Czar Roger making the announcement.

NYKnicks2032 (8:14:51 PM): i like when the black mothers cry

todahouse19 (8:15:01 PM): i like the pink suits

(Niecy is safe)

NYKnicks2032 (8:17:17 PM): kates gone

NYKnicks2032 (8:17:18 PM): done

todahouse19 (8:17:38 PM): seriously, who votes for neicy? is it every bigmomma's house woman in america?

NYKnicks2032 (8:17:55 PM): it has to be, honestly who votes for her?

todahouse19 (8:18:07 PM): the entire reno's sheriff's office

NYKnicks2032 (8:18:40 PM): i find it funny that your favorite girl ever dances to your favorite movie ever as well as armageddon being represented and you miss it

todahouse19 (8:19:23 PM): if you think I didn't Hulu everyone last night, you are out of your mind. i'm well caught up.

NYKnicks2032 (8:19:50 PM): i hulu nicole and EA every tuesday morning

todahouse19 (8:20:02 PM): its irresponsible not to.

NYKnicks2032 (8:20:14 PM): im not in the right state of mind when they do it live

todahouse19 (8:20:20 PM): also i'm impressed with how fast jake got his pants on under pressure. i would have fell and got a leg caught.

todahouse19 (8:20:35 PM): no homo

NYKnicks2032 (8:20:56 PM): twice

todahouse19 (8:21:25 PM): its really impressive

todahouse19 (8:33:32 PM): did i just hear "fan favorite kate gosslin?" do my ears decieve me?

todahouse19 (8:33:39 PM): thats offensive

NYKnicks2032 (8:34:03 PM): everyone hates her

todahouse19 (8:34:10 PM): fan. favorite

NYKnicks2032 (8:35:08 PM): its so offensive

todahouse19 (8:35:47 PM): they should keep her in a cage like the dog that she is. I'm going to watch lost.

Top Ten Lost Girls

2010-04-20T14:32:00.006-04:00

In honor of a Jack Centric Episode tonight,(a very special occasion) I have to do something Lost related. I am one of Mike's close friends who he eluded to in an earlier post whose life is completely consumed by Lost if you haven't already noticed.

Who are the hottest women on Lost? I have had this conversation many drunken nights. The results are always different. Imagine if that many good looking girls were on the same plane. Must be nice.

Here we go....

Honorable Mention:

Ana Lucia: Sorry, you are way too much of a bitch to crack the top 10 and not in the hot way like Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions. Vin Diesel says to go back to flying helicopters on Pandora.

Nadia- Sayid’s main squeeze. Not enough airtime to crack the top 10. Very pretty face and would be a shame to have it covered by one of those Muslim things. She gets hit by a car.

Naomi: How soon we forget Naomi and her sexy British accent. She seemed like she was there to save the day, calling the freighter to get everyone off the island. Then John Locke (the real one) nailed her in the back with a knife for no apparent reason. This is a GREAT Jack scene too. Tragic.

Helen: I like you better with purple hair, one eye and a white tank top.

Charlotte: You cleaned up very well in the flash sideways before Sawyer took you down (sex not killing), but you still aren’t getting it done for me.

Libby: When she is looking crazy, she is looking CRAZY. Always a mess. I remember her on the short lived Fox sitcom Titus and she was a knockout. That show was actually really funny too (1:20 for Libby). The island didn't treat her as well.

The Top 10

10) Sarah: JACK SAVED YOUR LIFE. HE FIXED YOUR SPINE. YOU CAN WALK AGAIN. HE LOVED YOU. HE MARRIED YOU. HOW DO YOU REPAY HIM? BY CHEATING ON HIM AND DIVORCING HIM!!! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE ON THIS LIST!!

9.) Achara: Who is Achara you might ask? Here is her description from Lostpedia, “She becomes Jack's lover, having sex with him many times over a one month period but not telling him much about herself.” She is just a hot piece of Asian ass who lives on an exotic vacation island. She gives Jack the tat that means “He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us.”

8.) Nikki: The star of the hit TV show Expose and flying on a public commercial airline for some reason. She plays a stripper by day/secret agent by night on the show. Nikki is greedy, angry, and gets buried alive. Although everyone hated her episode because it didn’t add to the plot at all, it stands alone as an amazing episode. “Paulo lies/I’m paralyzed”

7.) Sun: Sun has just been lying in the weeds for the better part of 6 seasons. That is until recently when she asked Jin if he liked it when she unbuttoned her shirt in the flashsideways. That skyrocketed her up this list. Her body was hidden like a 13 year old’s Playboy magazines up until that point. Lucky Jin.

6.)Claire: It should be noted that there is a GIGANTIC difference between pregnant Claire, normal Claire and crazy Claire. Based on the picture chosen, I think you should realize which we all prefer. Crazy is good. Claire is now a cold blooded, filthy, killer who is filled with evil. She lives in the jungle. Also she was an emo girl before she got to the island.

5.) Penny: Has there ever been a sweeter character in history than Penelope Widmore? Even though we hate sappy love stories, aren’t you completely invested hook/line/and sinker in Penny and Dez’s romance? Don't you just want them to be happy? It’s the best. She has kind eyes. Great accent. Body looks great while running the stadium 2 weeks ago.

4.) Alex: The only jailbait on the list. I was a big fan of hers even back in her Malcolm in the Middle days when she played that crazy girl with the disheveled pigtails. (Its okay, I was probably 13 at the time watching it.) If you didn’t get choked up when Alex got shot in front of her father, you have no soul. Karl was a lucky son of a bitch to be dating her, except for all that Room 23 brainwashing stuff and getting shot in the chest. Alex is also an Honor Student and heard the principal banging the nurse.

3.) Juliet: Juliet is armed with two rocket launchers on the front of her body. I can’t really decide if I like her cleaned up or dirty better. Her two best moments: 1.) When she saw the freighter blow up, assumed everyone was dead, and just started chugging a bottle of Dharma rum by herself. 1a.) Not immediately noticeable because of how important and serious the moment was but Sawyer's influence on her is shown as she drops “son of a bitch” when trying to get the nuke to blow up.

2.) Shannon: The definition of someone who should be seen but not heard. To Shannon’s credit she never pretended to be anything she wasn’t. On the island, all she wanted to do was sunbathe and get other people to do things for her. The only thing she even came close to contributing to the group besides being eye candy was doing a piss poor job at translating French. One of the first main characters to die. She had no purpose. She bangs her stepbrother too.

1.)Kate: God this hurts me soooo bad to make her number 1. It’s like the heel HHH being the champ and no matter how much you want him to lose, how much you hate him, he is still number 1. Kate is a shrew. She is selfish. She is such a whore. She jerks every guy that loves her around. She also did a phone sex commercial before JJ gave her a career. But she looks amazing in that grey t shirt and can handle a gun. She is just too pretty. She’s the winner.

Now tell me why I'm wrong.

This could be when we finally get sued.

2010-04-20T09:36:00.006-04:00

I had an idea today. If you have ever browsed around on Facebook you know that the best part BY FAR are all the hot pictures posted by girls after their night out on the town. This inspired me to come up with a little mini contest in the shadow of the Death Pool.

My idea for the contest is to have our very very very loyal followers submit pictures of who they think is their hottest Facebook friend. We will then have a beauty contest on the beet farm with our followers voting on a winner.

This could be the moment when someone actually goes, ok guys you need to fucking stop or I'm calling the police. If any of you know the legal restrictions to doing this PLEASE let me know if it is ok or not. Finally, I ask you to use the comment section to tell me if you like this idea or not. The way I think we can get around it is by using their public picture on their profile. This way anyone could have viewed it anyway, we are just violently judging her looks against other hot girls. Let me know what you think.

Nicole Pink

2010-04-19T09:47:00.004-04:00

Random thoughts. Also, I have some really good blog posts in store for you this week. My brain is also going when I see a situation that pisses me off and I think about how I could turn this into a blog post.

I am refusing to buy another video game till May 18th when Red Dead Redemption comes out. I'm just going to sit on my PS3 and go for trophies and such. If you want to post your gamer ID in the comments section I'll be more then happy to add you as a friend. Currently my goal is the platinum trophy in inFamous, which is really one of my favorite games of all time now that I think about it and played for a couple hours again last night.

Jon and I went to the Yankee game Saturday, and it is amazing how the place is a pick your poison. Sit with the drunk people in the bleachers or sit with the family of 6 kids in the box seats that are kicking the back of your chair, screaming, and dropping food on you. All while the parents laugh and think its cute. Nobody likes your kids, go home. If I was rich I would buy a section of seats and just sit there by myself. That is what I take for granted at MSG when I go to Rangers games. If you sit up in the 400's its just old people and season ticket holders and everyone minds their own business. Its a lot more relaxing.

The women deserved to win on the apprentice last night, it was stupid for Goldberg to be team leader. Bret Michaels (who I like) should have done it. I like Cyndi on the girls team and I can't stand that Holly girl.

If Kate Gosselin doesn't get voted off dancing with the stars tuesday night, then I blow up a hospital. Seriously, does anyone actually think they can beat Nicole? Shes perfect. The only one that can come close is the figure skater guy.

Please sit on my face

Coming dangerously close to the end of Lost. My closest of friends are getting so into it that it is just consuming lives. But could it be...... Chocolate?

Update

2010-04-16T17:29:00.002-04:00

Here are the full nudity pics of Ashley Dupre from her playboy spread. She has perfect tits.

Click here for perfect tits.

Asley Dupre Playboy

2010-04-14T15:07:00.002-04:00

Check out Asley Dupre's leaked playboy pic. Click on it for a bigger version. It covers up her twat but her perfect tits are enough to make it exciting. Enjoy, more to follow.

"Crush this Bitches Soul"

2010-04-14T14:35:00.006-04:00

This lying, deceptive, little fucking cunt whore gets OWNED LIVE ON AIR!!!!! This fucking cunt thinks she is getting engaged, she found the ring, and she thought this was it!!! BUT her boyfriend found out that she was cheating on him and he destroys her live on air DESTROYING HER DREAMS!!!! If you have a solid 12 minutes, listen to this fucking cunt get owned....its so awesome. I love listening to fucking cunts cry, this was fucking awesome.

Click here to hear a girls dreams destroyed

Fuck you.

CGI Corps

2010-04-12T14:41:00.002-04:00

The news broke today (confirmed by Geoff John's twitter) that Hal's uniform in the Green Lantern movie will be all CGI. After the Nolan Batman's I became I strong strong supporter of using as little CGI as possible. For those of you that don't know, the hospital scene in TDK was real, and the Chicago PD got hundreds of calls that there has been a terrorist attack in Chicago.

The point is, his uniform has to be CGI for it to be accurate. And most of the movie has to be CGI for it to be accurate. This is not Batman, this is a different animal. Most of this movie has to take place in outer space and on the planet Oa. Hal's uniform, or any of the Green Lantern's uniforms aren't made of material of cloth. Its alien technology that has multiple times been commented on for being strangely hot and cold on several different spots of the body and specifically NOT cloth.

Which leads me to the point I've brought up since this movie went in to production, this movie is going to be a hard sell to any non comic fans. You really need to suspend your disbelief (unlike Batman). Green Lantern and Blackest Night have been the top selling comic books the past year, period. Look at the statistics. They have outsold every Marvel book, even the almighty Siege cross over. GL is the most popular comic out there in the year 2010...but will it crossover into the movie going audience? We will see.

Weddings are for Jerkoffs

2010-04-12T09:07:00.002-04:00

Weddings are a fucking sham. Why you ask? Well you are going to assume that I am immediately going to shoot right to the divorce statistics, domestic abuse statistics, etc etc, which in a normal argument I would because lets face it, the statistics argue for themselves.

But I think it's time to look deeper into this time honored tradition of two retards dressing up like clowns and forcing people to give money to them for no reason at all. Have you ever heard anyone outside the immediate family go "wow, I can't wait to go to their wedding!" No. Everyone dreads getting that stupid fucking save the date in the mail. Everyone hates walking over to their calender and crossing off another Saturday night wasted on two jerkoffs that are just going to get divorced in 3 years (tops).

Say No to the Whore

Lets think about this. The entire concept of a wedding is for two people that are in love to bring their love together and share an eternal bond. Its not supposed to be "Say Yes to the Dress". I am so sick and fucking tired of these whores turning their wedding day into their fucking fairy tale moment. They need to have the perfect dress, the perfect bridal shower, they bring in Gene Simmons to do their makeup and when they walk down the isle its all about fucking them. Its all about their moment in the fucking sun with all the pissed off people in the church looking at them and crying (most likely crying because they are missing the Yankee game). Now, the few women that read this blog, please please please remember what I am about to say:

STOP OVERDOING YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP ON YOUR FUCKING WEDDING DAY.

How many times have you seen women at proms and weddings overdo their make up in order to look "beautiful". We want you to look like you do when you are just you, not some fucking monster with a pound of makeup on. This isn't just my opinion either. 99.9% of women look better on a normal day then on their wedding day. But once again its all about the fucking fairy tale. Its all about what they want to remember, not what it should be, two people coming together to make a better life.

We need to change the social norms in this country. It should not be socially acceptable to throw a big wedding and make people spend their hard earned money on a joke that will last 3 years and subsequently have to miss the Yankee game. Or, you jerkoffs should have to return the money to the people that gave it to you and buy them tickets to a Yankee game. Good ones too, and against a division rival, not the Royals. If two people really love each other, they should have a quiet, relaxing wedding, the way they want to have it in order to express their love to each other. Not some fucking Cinderella bullshit fairy tale in which they are trying to live out their dumb childhood fantasy.

The Runaways

2010-04-11T22:42:00.005-04:00

You may or may not know that there is a moderately low budget movie out called "The Runaways" starring the cunt from Twilight and that MILF Dakota Fanning. The movie is based on the "first" all-girl teen hard rock band from the late 1970s.

Ugly Twat

From all I've seen from trailers and reviews about this movie, and to be fair I have not seen this twat fest, its purpose is to show how much this band inspired girls to rock and roll. To show all they went through to be famous in a profession dominated by men and to open the door for other girl rockers.

Well I'll tell you what, they did a great job opening up the door. Because in 2010, and for the last 30 years, the industry has been dominated by girls that are hard rockers and strong women. Oh wait, the only ones that are like that are disgusting fucking sluts that have tattoos all over their sweaty disgusting bodies and play horrible music. This movie is a fucking shame and is another attempt by Hollywood to turn something that wasn't that big of a deal into something that is legendary.

Don't fall for this bullshit. The Runaways didn't unlock any doors, and their songs are shit and will not stand the test of time. Don't let Hollywood force you to think things are bigger then they are.

My Hero

2010-04-09T18:24:00.001-04:00

Short post today. A little artwork I did for you folks. LETS GO RANGERS!!!!!

Tiger Tiger

2010-04-08T10:11:00.003-04:00

Tiger tees off at 1:42pm today. Please look back to an old post I made about Karma. Karma is something for weak people to hope for to intervene in events because they are too afraid to face situations with their balls out and their shoulder lowered. There is no Karma at Augusta today. Only the best golfer in the world, and a lot of cunts that hope he fails. If you hate Tiger for what he did then you are a liar and a piece of shit. If you are a cunt that hates Tiger, thats because you are jealous you couldn't get your legs open and your tits big enough to fuck him in time.

I promise this is my last Tiger post. Just remember, if you think "Karma is going to get him!" you are a gutless, shitsucking jerkoff that has no standing in this world and you are a fucking pussy.

Asshole Mouth

2010-04-07T22:43:00.002-04:00

Jonathan Papelbon's mouth looks like an asshole when he goes into his set. Boston's captain is a backup bullpen catcher.

"The Grandy Man can"- John Sterling

Rejection Hotline

2010-04-06T13:49:00.005-04:00

I recently heard about something called "The Rejection Hotline". No, I was not a victim of it, the girls I talk to usually would just dial 911 before they gave me their number. But, for those who dont know what it is, The Rejection Hotline is a fake phone number for people to give out at bars when someone asks for their number. When you call the hotline, a recording comes on that the person who gave you the number wanted nothing to do with you.

Lets look at the concept. You are at a bar talking to some guy or girl, and they are obviously into you. You think "wow I'm really going to lead this person, then give them a fake number so in 3 days when they call me they will get rejected!" Instead of just having the fucking balls to tell someone you aren't interested like a real fucking human being. The person that created The Rejection Hotline probably thought it would be funny.

Let me explain something right now. If you have ever, or will ever use The Rejection Hotline, get the fuck off my fucking blog right now. We don't want your kind. But first, please read this. If you ever used the Rejection Hotline, here is what I think should happen to you. I hope that one day, you decide to go get a kitty cat. On the way back from the store with your brand new kitty cat, you are walking down the street and you stop to glance in a mirror to take a look at how hot you are. At this moment, a 52 year old trucker that is high on speed, drinking Jack Daniels straight with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth with Metallica blasting at full volume will take his eyes off the road. He then proceeds to plow into you and your cat. But alas, you and kitty are ok! While the gentleman is getting out of his truck to check on the accident he accidentally will step on your kitty and shoot you. But just before you die, you watch as kitty is safely picked up by the truck driver and then with your last dying breath you watch as the meteorite smashes into him and the entire block.

Thats what I think about people that use The Rejection Hotline.

Why Prostitution is Illegal

2010-04-05T10:47:00.004-04:00

On the way back from the Meadowlands Racetrack on Friday night, my friend and I were having a discussion about the legality of prostitution. It was about 9pm and we were deciding if we should stop at a bar for a beer or a diner for something to eat. We then figured out why prostitution is illegal.

Why would any guy ever go to a bar?

Lets be honest. We are going to bars to get our dicks sucked. Period. Case closed, end of discussion. If I wanted to drink, I'd go out and buy a 30. If I wanted to see my friends, I'd go over someones basement and shoot the shit with them. I'm making a trip to the bar in order to meet a girl and give her a bad to moderate sexual experience. But if there were whore houses around? Why the FUCK would I be at a bar? Lets face it, I'm never going to get married, I am too big a piece of shit. So why would I go all the way to a bar to hang out with a bunch of jerk offs I don't know constantly attempting to get my dick soaked? I wouldn't.

If I could go out once a week to a whore house, spend a few bucks on a hooker, then go home and play video games while I drink a beer and watch the Yankees, what is the point to a bar? Lets be honest, we are all more comfortable at home. Prostitution is illegal in this country because it would put bars out of business. Even married guys who like to cheat on their wives (aka my heroes)...why risk being seen in public when you can sneak in the back door of a slut house and get your knob sucked by some 19 year old eastern European hooker?

I know you are going to think "but Mike, what about love?" Love is a lie that they put into songs into the 1960's in order to make you get married and live the American dream. My dream is sports gambling, hookers, and drinking. Grow up, we don't live in fantasy land. Bars are glorified whore houses that are keeping business owners in business.

Fuck you Vegans

2010-04-02T23:58:00.002-04:00

I don't have a problem if you don't want to eat meat. That is your life choice, I don't give a fuck what people do. This isn't communist China. I have a problem when these blowjobs tell you within 5 minutes of conversation that they don't eat meat, hate the murdering of animals, and think its terrible when people eat meat.

Why is it socially acceptable to brag about being a vegetarian? Would it be any different if I sat down and went "Hi, my name is Mike. I like to gamble on things, especially animals, pay strippers enough money to feed their coke habit on a nightly basis, go to Atlantic City, search internet pornography, and support the murdering of both animals and humans." Do you vegetarian jerk offs want to hear that? No. Nobody thinks you are fucking a great fucking person for not eating meat. I don't eat dog shit, do I announce that in the first 3 minutes of conversation? No, so shut the fuck up before I murder your cat and shove it up your fucking ass.

Rant

2010-04-02T16:30:00.004-04:00

Tiger Woods is about to win the Masters. I hope he does. And I hope his cunt wife isn't there and I hope he fucking fucks an immigrant hooker on the 18th green while shaving her asshole hair with Gillette, because his wife is not the best a man can get.

This is the United States of America, its the land of the free. Maybe Sandra Bullock and Kate Gosselin and Tiger's wife need a reminder of the red, white and blue. Its not against the law to cheat on your wife in this country and that is why I am proud to be an American.

I can't wait till John and Kate's 8 little cunts grow up to be drug addicts and degenerate gamblers because their two asshole parents exploited them on TV, while huge-vagina Kate shows off her oversized tits on dancing with the stars and daddy fucks hookers in New York.

Why should you feel bad for Sandra Bullock? She makes millions, has an oscar, and knowingly married a fucking weirdo tattoo guy that is obviously going to cheat on you you dumb fucking cunt.

I hate everybody, I'm done.

GameCrush

2010-03-23T15:15:00.008-04:00

When I first heard about the launch of this service, the first thing I said to GR is "why didn't we think of this?". In case you don't know what I'm talking about, today, on March 23, 2010 a website called GameCrush is launching. What this website does is for only $8.25, you as an avid Xbox Live gamer, get to pick a girl to play Halo 3 or Call of Duty with while she has phone sex with you over the headset.

This is possibly the best idea ever created by a human being since some guy in the 1200's went to himself "Wow, it might feel good if she puts her mouth on my dick before we make a child".

Or is it?

According to GR, there should be a separation of church and state. "If I want to have phone sex, I''ll have phone sex. If I want to play Halo, I'll play Halo."

Lets analyze this for a second. When I play Halo or Call of Duty I am FULLY focused on the task at hand. When I play with friends, we are all talking about the game until the end. Now imagine yourself playing Modern Warfare 2. The countdown has started and the game is about to start. Now imagine that as soon as the countdown ends, some whore on her headset is finger blasting herself talking about how she wants you to fuck her tits and jizz on her face. Are you really mentally focused on fighting terrorism with this going on?

No. You will have your pants at your ankles, jackin' it into a Kleenex whilst crying at how pathetic your life has now become.

So in the end, the idea is BRILLIANT but the execution of it will be difficult for intense gamers. That being said, I plan on experimenting with this website when it launches tonight and will come back to the beet farm with a full report. Because of my journalistic duties, my pants will not be at my ankles.

Night Terror

2010-03-20T05:50:00.003-04:00

I just had the worst night terror of my life.

It's hard to explain what a night terror is because its not like a night mare. I think the wikipedia article does a good job. I am awake for it but really have no control or idea what is going on. It sounds cliche but its somewhere in between being awake and asleep. I usually get them when I"m over tired and this one was 10x worse than any I've had in the past.

I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and running around the house, not knowing where I was and what was going on. No alcohol involved. I think there was some kind of shark or something chasing me. It sounds stupid and funny and it probably is, but I it was the second most terrified I've ever been in my life. (second only to waking up during surgery)

Running, jumping and screaming around the house at 5 am. Think about that.

My heart is pounding out of my chest. I'm covered in sweat. I'm out of breath and my stomach hurts.

Worst of all, I am literally petrified to fall back asleep because I'm afraid it might happen again. That's how bad this thing was.

Should be interesting to see how the rest of this night/day turns out and I'm definitely not looking forward to it.

Have fun.

What's Mike Watching?

2010-03-15T10:48:00.011-04:00

TV is an interesting form of entertainment. People have different interests, some like reality, some like dramas, and some like crime shows with different plots every week.

So what am I watching?
(Spring 2010 ONLY)

Mondays
The Big Bang Theory
Two and A Half Men

I don't really enjoy Two and A Half Men as much as I used to. The kid isn't funny anymore and I don't like what they have done with Charlie's character. As for Big Bang Theory, its hit or miss. Penny has become annoying. Your boyfriend is a geek, get over it. I don't need to hear little jokes about how you are hot and he likes Lord of the Rings. It is getting to be like Everybody Loves Raymond, which is in my opinion, the worst show of the last 20 years.

Tuesdays
Lost
Justified

It's hard to say I watch Justified because as I am writing this it hasn't debuted yet. But FX has a track record of producing some of my favorite shows (Sons of Anarchy, Rescue Me, The Shield, etc.) so this in my opinion is a must see. It's easy to get in to these 12 episode seasons because they are so quick even if you don't love the show its only 3 months.

Wednesdays
Human Target
Criminal Minds

Human Target is my favorite new show of the year (even more then Caprica). I love the mindless action, faced pace James Bond action and witty comments from Chi McBride and Rorschach. Every week Chance seems to find himself in impossible secret agent scenarios and finds a way to get out of them. I love deep storylines and thought provoking mindfucks, but sometimes you need to just sit down and enjoy some cliche action. Criminal Minds is something I have become new to thanks to my parents. It's on cable 24 hours a day (feels like) and is just the kind of sickfuck shit I love. I recommend checking out a couple episodes.

Thursdays
The Office

A lot of hating on this season of The Office due to the storyline direction. I don't disagree but the show still makes me laugh. I still enjoy the comments of the side characters even if Michael isn't as funny as he used to be. And come on, how awesome was megadesk?

Fridays
Caprica
Smallville

Even though Smallville is on break, I still am a sucker for any Superman story. The Justice Society episode was what I literally had been waiting 7 years to see, not because of the characters, but because of a TRUE superhero genre show on TV. That made this season the best season of Smallville since I literally was in High School. As for Caprica? I will watch anything, ANYTHING, in the Battlestar Galactica universe. And this honestly isn't a bad show at all. I am starting to really like the Adama characters, especially Bill's uncle Sam. Caprica is worth staying home on Fridays. Not really, but why not?

twat rant

2010-03-14T20:00:00.004-04:00

Does anybody know why that cunt twat skank whore slut piece of shit cocksucking bloodycunt shit eating cunt rag piece of shit used condom drinking whore from Twilight always has her cunt mouth open? With her disgusting cunt buck teeth and cunt emo hair cut? Go to fucking google and type in her name with that FAGGOT from the movies.

If you are going to Best Buy to purchase that movie on tuesday I hope you get rammed in the ass on the way there by some 50 year old truck driver high on speed and listening to AC/DC while jacking off. I then hope he comes out of his truck, blows his load on your face while you cry and have to go to the shop to get your white honda civic repaired.

I'm a piece of shit.

2010-03-13T23:35:00.002-05:00

The bartender at the bar Friday night is friendly with my friends father and gave three VERY attractive girls shots and said they were from us. Before this, I had noticed that one of the girls was gorgeous, one of them at an enormous and fantastic ass, and the other had the best side boob action going that I've seen in a long time.

Where am I going with this? I had no problem staring at them before the shots were served. In fact, I made numerous references to the side boob. Then as soon as the shots were served and they came over to "thank" us, I immediately started to sweat, turned my body away from them, and had difficulty making eye contact. Why is this? Is it because I own every episode of Battlestar Galactica on blu ray and regular DVD? Is it because I'm horrifically out of shape and dress like a 70 year old grandfather? Is it because I have a Solid Snake action figure guard my PS3 games? Is it because I'm a piece of shit?

I'll take all of the above for 500, Alex.

Picture

2010-03-11T20:38:00.004-05:00

I was going to respond via comment, but than decided I would just make a new post.

Sadly, that picture was probably the best one I could come up with. It was either that or the sunglasses and mustache one I use here. If you look closely you'll notice my eyes are pitch black because I don't know how to use the red eye removal. Having said all of that, I am at peace with my picture.

I am definitely not comparing myself to either of these two guys but I just wanted to point out that there is no way my picture is more effeminate than either of theirs. I think a dumbass picture is kind of par for the course.

And although I haven't blogged a lot lately, this new thing could affect my blogging here in 1 of 2 ways:

It could shut it down because I'll just be exhausted from FA's and tired of writing
or
it could cause very high levels of frustration that would require me to vent on here.

Only time will tell.

Sports Editor

2010-03-11T15:56:00.007-05:00

Check out GR on the website MyVeronaNJ.com. He is the new Sports Editor which is great because he gets to do what he went to college for.

I'll promote him because hes probably too shy to promote himself. That's obviously false and ridiculous, I jut wanted to get some shots in (even though we are impressed here at the beet farm).

Do you think they could have found a picture that he looks more like a dibble shit in?

Also, the women that run the website look like two milfs that go into Starbucks with their Macs and talk about modern politics.

I really hope they don't read this blog.

It says on their website policy that their website is a "family friendly one". Guess what, mine isn't.

Congratulations GR, I think this is a great way for you to get exposure, just make sure they never read this blog, because you will get fired.